Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
