can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
