On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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