eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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