Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
no, he came in my armpit
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
