Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
