I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
