I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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