my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
