Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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