Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
