I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
