I think I died a long time ago.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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