This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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