She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
