ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
