hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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