Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
