Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
