apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
