If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
