i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
