Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
