I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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