I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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