So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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