my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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