He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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