A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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