i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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