omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
