2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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