If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
