if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
