Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
