I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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