I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
