i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
