That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
