She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
