i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
