MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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