So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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