I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
