He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
