Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You are the jesus of drinking
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
