someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
