dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
