I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
