i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
