he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
